“Don’t want to rush on ahead in my own strength when your right here…all I ever had was loaves and fishes, all I ever had was loaves and fishes, I’m not in a hurry when it comes to your presence, when it comes to your spirit, when it comes to your glory, Lord” –United Pursuit Band
These are the words that were playing through my mind this morning. As I continue to unwind from a constant state of activity and expectations that became normal during the past two years, I am falling in love with the quiet again. For, in the quiet He is found. It is in the quiet that I am reminded to stop pushing forward in my own strength and rest in Him. My worries fall at the feet of El-Roi, the God who sees, and they are lifted. In the quiet I am reminded that “the angels are lost in the perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory,” and I should be as well.
I find myself looking ahead toward dreams that seem so distant the present is completely empty. I have found that during my time at TMC, when my life was secure, I lost the love of uncertainty. Much like a couple that has fallen out of love needs to be reminded of why they were once in love, I needed to remember why I found comfort in uncertainty. I remembered that only in uncertainty can faith flourish. I do not mean faith in the casual “oh, I have faith in God” way. I mean faith that walks blindly trusting that I am just too close to the painting to see anything more than blurred lines. I mean the faith that may just see one word of the poem. The faith that looks at the loaves and fishes in my present knowing that in my future He is already present making my small offering into a story that will be told for centuries.
Uncertainty is not dangerous to this life. Certainty is dangerous. I needed to know that even in the transitional times, when my life has little direction in the present, He is guiding, painting, and writing my future in His present. Only uncertainty can bring certainty in life. Only the certainty that when I am lost I am found can make being both lost and found extremely fulfilling. I do not know what the summer holds. I do not know that I am going to Oxford in the fall. I do know that even in my uncertainty the impending presence of a divine adventure brings me complete peace and certainty.
I know that in this life moments of uncertainty will overwhelm moments of certainty in the earthly sense. However, for the believer, this means that the moments of uncertainty become moments where heaven and earth are closer together, thin moments. These phases of life become a way of life. They make the adventure lovely, because every adventure becomes a divine encounter. Therefore, dear friends, learn to love the moments of uncertainty. Learn to love the quiet moments of His presence. In the words of C.S. Lewis, “further up and further in.”