There is a story in a sacred text of a garden of perfection. There is a story in a sacred text of a shattering. And with shattering comes scattering. I like to think that wonder is the perception of the perfect wholeness that was scattered. Suddenly, when we attempt to break our gaze from the shattering of this life, we enter into a place where wonder is everywhere because God is everywhere. No longer is a cup of coffee a way to stay awake but it becomes a way to slow down and embrace a gift. No longer do we feel only the shards of existence. We feel moments. Moments of insane weight and depth. In these moments I begin to understand what the rebbe meant when he said, “There are dead thoughts and there are living thoughts.” I am in a place in life where dead thoughts are easy thoughts. It is easy to be down, frustrated, even angry. Yet, such things do not give life. Such thoughts bring death.
A couple days ago, I had a realization that has taken me time to grasp. I realized that every time I allow my frustration to control my thoughts I am losing my perception of wonder. I am slowly being lulled into a depressing existence by the rhythm of this ridiculously frustrating life. And with each day that I choose to seek wonder, seek light, I find myself closer to life. Perhaps this is meaning of the quote. Perhaps there are words that create worlds if you allow your mediation upon them to change you.
There are days when I wake up and am excited about life… others, not so much. I am learning, albeit begrudgingly, that what I choose to do with each moment defines my perception of the day. I once rode this mare, she taught me more about horses than any other horse. The first six months I rode her we had a love-hate relationship. I had to learn to ride every single step to reach harmony. If I begin to think about the transition I was going to ask for ten meters down the line, she reacted and sped up. If I focused on the mistake I made ten meters back, she took over and decided where she wanted to go. She taught me to erase everything except for moments when I was in the saddle. I think that is what I need to learn in life. I need to learn to look for moments, to not stress about the next job, to not focus on the last mistake. I need to learn to live each moment for what it is and feel all the pain and joy of that moment and let it go (you’re welcome). When I allow each moment to captivate me, I begin to enter into shalom, into wholeness.
I used to think that wonder was something that happened to us. Something that suddenly entered our presence and we noticed. Now I think that wonder is always present and we enter into an awareness of its presence. I used to think that wonder was a gift for a specific moment. Now I see that moments are gifts and that life is wonder. I am on a journey into the wonder of living.